The Rules of Personal Space (or how close is close-talking?)

I observed a funny thing at a networking event recently.

I was off to the side of the meeting room drinking a glass of water, watching some of the people meeting and networking. A woman in a red jacket caught my eye as she walked up to a professional-looking man and introduced herself. They shook hands and started to chat. Then a funny thing started to happen. Every time I looked away and looked back, this pair was in a different place in the room. Curious, I started to watch a little more closely and this is what I noticed. As they were talking, the woman would step in quite close to the man and, clearly uncomfortable, the man would take a step backward. She'd take another step forward and he'd counter with another step back. This led to a bizarre slow dance around the room. After a few minutes, the woman broke away from the conversation and left the room smiling. The man wiped his brow with his arm as she walked away, clearly relieved to be free.

Remember the classic Seinfeld episode with the 'close-talker'? He made everyone crazy by zooming into people and talking almost nose-to-nose. Really funny episode...

It can be really funny to watch someone else's space be invaded, but it feels horrible when it happens to you. Our ancient 'fight or flight' mechanisms are triggered when this happens, which is why we feel so uncomfortable. Our instincts make us either want to run from or slug the offender.

In order to prevent some really awkward situations, let's review the standard rules for personal space in North America. (It may not be the same in other parts of the world.)

The Intimate Zone: 12 inches (30 cm) or less
~This space is reserved for personal intimacy. If you aren't comfortable hugging or kissing someone, you should not be in this space. That is why most of us don't like airline seats or crowded subways - we are forced to have strangers in our intimate zone for a sustained period.

The Personal Zone: 1-2 feet (30-60 cm)
~This space is reserved for people we know and like, or those we invite in. We often invite people we have just met into this space - to shake hands or to talk in a noisy space. The thing is, those we invite should not overstay. We usually bob in and out of this space. Staying too long can feel invasive and uncomfortable.

The Social Zone: 2-4 feet (60- 120 cm)
~This space is far enough away that we feel comfortable with those we don't know well. We move in closer to talk, and back away after talking or listening. Watch small groups at company parties. They stand in a group 2-4 feet across. Then they take turns tipping their heads forward and taking a step in, and then lifting their heads and backing up. It is the social party dance.

The Public Zone: More than 4 feet (120 cm+)
~This is the space outside your personal zone where your comfort is not a factor. This is essentially the world outside of you.

So, be aware of where you place yourself in conversations. And no close-talking, please, unless you have been invited in!

the communication guru