URGENT - Talk to Your Kids about Bullying

Bullying has been featured prominently in the news in the past few weeks after two 11 year-old boys (so very young) committed suicide within two weeks of each other because they were beaten down by persistent bullying. These incidents were completely independent of one another and took place in different states.

Both boys had been severely bullied and both had parents who knew about it and did what they could to try and make it stop. Two families still lost their sons. And other families have to live forever with the fact that their children contributed to the death of another child.

I am passionate about stopping bullying. My 11 year-old daughter was devastated earlier this year by persistent bullying that was supported by others who she thought were her friends. My heart broke as my beautiful, talented and loving daughter sobbed in agony in my arms. I'll tell you what we did about it at the end of this post.

First - what is bullying? It is the attempt to gain power over another through emotional and/or physical intimidation. It is all about raising oneself up by beating another down. Essentially, it is a form of torture.

There are three roles in bullying. Note to parents - I guarantee that your child has experienced at least one of these roles, if not all of them.

1. The Target ~ The target of a bully is the victim. Common targets are those who may be perceived to be different in any way from other kids, those who are very sensitive and/or those who obviously have low self-esteem or personal confidence. But, in the end, anyone can be a target.
   
   
2. The Bully ~ The bully enjoys the rewards of bullying. S/he may start out making small remarks ("no one cares what you say"), insults ("who bought your clothes - the garbageman?") or minor threats ("if you tell, you'll regret it..."). It starts small and escalates quickly. Most kids target another child from time-to-time, but the bully gets a thrill from the experience of power. Bullies keep going. They build on everything they have said in the past and gradually scale it up. It becomes a campaign. The bully loses all empathy and instead finds the reactions (fear, tears, depression) of the target funny. Bullies often justify their bullying by saying, "I was just joking - I didn't mean anything by it." Watch for this comment - it is a danger sign.
   
   
3. The Observer ~ Almost all children have observed bullying. Scary, isn't it? Here's the problem. Bullies recruit supporters - not to help with the bullying, but to join in the laughter. The observer, by watching and laughing instead of defending or looking for help, is enabling the bully. The observer is complicit in the bullying. As the bully gains passive supporters, the torment and pain of the victim intensifies significantly. The victim feels progressively more isolated and feelings of hopelessness creep in.

You must talk to your children about all three roles. Get them talking - ask probing questions to ensure that they truly understand what bullying is. Determine what they have experienced, observed and also what they may have done. This is serious. Don't lecture; help them understand how significant an issue this is.

Discuss together (1) what is/is not acceptable in your family, (2) what your child should do as an observer or as a victim and (3) what the consequences for bullying or supporting a bully are in your home. Discuss - don't lecture.

And - watch for changes in your child's behaviour. If you see any signs that your child is retreating or is unhappy or even if s/he seems a little down - don't wait. Talk about it right away. This is so important. Ask the parents of those two boys...

What did I do about our daughter's bullying? First, I talked to her to get a full understanding about what was going on, what was being said, who said it, who the passive observers were, how long it had been going on and who at the school knew about it. Once I had the facts, I asked her what she had done so far and what she would like the next steps to be. She asked for a day to try and work it out on her own. We practiced things she could say or do to defuse the situation.

In the end, I called the parents of the primary bully and one of the supporters. I GENTLY discussed the situation and focused on the impact it was having on my child. I asked for their support and assistance to help make it stop. I did not freak out (I wanted to) or imply that I thought their kids were horrible people (I kinda wanted to do that as well). I told them that I knew they had good kids, but that their children clearly did not understand the impact of their actions. I humbly asked them to help my daughter. It worked. The parents were devastated when they found out what was happening and they dealt with their kids. It stopped. And I still monitor what is happening in my daughter's school life every day. (She's fine now - back to her usual bubbly, happy self.)

I say this all the time - talk to your kids. Stay truly tapped into what is going on. Ask questions and really listen to the answers. As I like to say - listen with your heart.

For more information on how to talk to your kids about the things that really matter, check out my new book, Talk about Anything with Your Kids. http://www.talkaboutanything.ca/

Make communication a priority...

the communication guru

Simple Acts of Communication Can Be Powerful

This is one of my absolute favorite small videos. It shows how a very simple act of communication can have a massive impact on customer service and business development. This is how you attract customers and retain.

Not sure that you have the ability to make a difference in the lives of others? Well, if Johnny can make such a profound impact, just imagine what you can do...

the communication guru

Communicating with Kids Ain't Always Easy...

Talking to kids can be a frustrating experience - no doubt about it. There is a good reason for this and understanding this reason alone can help you improve matters almost immediately.

When kids are very young it is necessary for parents to have a directive communication style. We have to direct our little ones as they learn to navigate our world. It is partly about safety and partly about teaching them the rules of behavior that we (and society) expect. We do it naturally as parents.

But here's the thing...our kids learn the lessons from our direction quickly. They absorb everything; they are amazing learning machines. Their brains develop very quickly and they, as all parents well know, are constantly changing. It can be astounding to observe the changes from day-to-day. The problem is that, as kids are developing and changing, parents pretty much stay the same.

Directive communication is primarily one-way communication. "Do this now." "Don't touch that!" Older children are desperate for more balanced communication. Parents who stick with the directive style with older children are just asking for tantrums, talking back and angry confrontations.

Try having more balanced conversations with your kids. Let them voice their opinions, ideas and objections. You don't have to agree, but you do need to listen. Give your children a voice in your family. The directive communication style, when used exclusively, does not give children any voice whatsoever. Trust me, if you do not give your kids a voice, they will find a way to express their displeasure to you.

To see if your kids are becoming resistant to your communication style, take this brief quiz:
http://tinyurl.com/TAAquiz

I'll continue writing about this in my next post.

the communication guru

Something on Oprah has been haunting me...

A few weeks ago there was an episode of Oprah that is haunting me. The actual subject matter was about obese teenagers and how/why they became so incredibly overweight. The show was very interesting and they took good care of the teens who were involved with the show.

But what haunted me was the underlying cause for the weight gain - very poor communication and understanding between parent and child. Years worth - building up and literally weighing down these kids. It was heartbreaking to see the teens talk about how poorly understood they are by their parents.

Every person has a basic need to be heard and understood by others. Oprah even said something to this affect on the show. But this is what has been haunting me... You can't just tell a parent that they need to get to know their kids by listening to them better. You can't just tell a parent that they need to understand their kids better. Who could disagree with these directives? The problem is that these parents don't know how to do this. They may want to, but without any tools or guidance to help them change, they most likely will not be successful. Desire, while important, is not enough. Once those families are back home they will drift back into old patterns. I feel for the kids who were on the show.

I'll write more about parent-child communication in future posts.

the communication guru


Read more about parent-child communication in my new book, Talk about Anything with Your Kids http://www.talkaboutanything.ca

Communication Through a Squeeze of the Hand

I haven't written a blog post for a few months - let me tell you why.

Shortly after my last post my father had a health crisis and was rushed to the hospital. They discovered pneumonia and then, after further testing, found advanced lung cancer. He went from regular hospital care to palliative care (pain management and comfort for end of life) in a matter of a couple of weeks. My family was devastated and our heads were spinning with this very sudden turn of events.

We spent several weeks visiting my Dad, watching him deteriorate with shocking speed. I was with him during his last waking moments. He could barely breathe let alone speak. The change in his condition from that of the prior day was frightening. Even his nurses were astounded at how quickly he was slipping away. It was clear that he was in the last day or two of his life.

I sat beside him holding his hand while my mother took a brief break. My Dad was very intelligent and had clear blue eyes through which you could see the sharpness of his mind. He looked at me and asked me three questions - each with a breathless word or two. He whispered one word and I then guessed at what he wanted to know. I then repeated to him what I thought he was asking me and, after a confirming squeeze of my hand, I answered him. He squeezed my hand again after each reply from me. After I answered his questions, we sat quietly for a few minutes, his frail hand in mine - each of us holding on to each other for the last time. Of course, we did not know just then that it would be the last time. If I had known, I would not have let him go. His hand squeezes said more to me than any words could have. I hope he felt the same.

It was not like it is in the movies - we did not know when to say goodbye. So we never said it. But, through those hand squeezes we communicated a lifetime of love.

He was given an injection for pain about 15 minutes later, which made him sleep. He never regained consciousness and died the next afternoon.

This painful episode in my life proved to me what I have been saying for years. The weakest form of communication is through words. Body language and eye contact communicate so much more and with much more truth and clarity.

It took me a long time to write this post, although I have been thinking about it for months. So I'll dedicate this one to my father. Thanks for getting me writing again.

I miss you Dad, although I can still feel your hand in mine.

Give someone you love a squeeze today...

Catherine