URGENT - Talk to Your Kids about Bullying

Bullying has been featured prominently in the news in the past few weeks after two 11 year-old boys (so very young) committed suicide within two weeks of each other because they were beaten down by persistent bullying. These incidents were completely independent of one another and took place in different states.

Both boys had been severely bullied and both had parents who knew about it and did what they could to try and make it stop. Two families still lost their sons. And other families have to live forever with the fact that their children contributed to the death of another child.

I am passionate about stopping bullying. My 11 year-old daughter was devastated earlier this year by persistent bullying that was supported by others who she thought were her friends. My heart broke as my beautiful, talented and loving daughter sobbed in agony in my arms. I'll tell you what we did about it at the end of this post.

First - what is bullying? It is the attempt to gain power over another through emotional and/or physical intimidation. It is all about raising oneself up by beating another down. Essentially, it is a form of torture.

There are three roles in bullying. Note to parents - I guarantee that your child has experienced at least one of these roles, if not all of them.

1. The Target ~ The target of a bully is the victim. Common targets are those who may be perceived to be different in any way from other kids, those who are very sensitive and/or those who obviously have low self-esteem or personal confidence. But, in the end, anyone can be a target.
   
   
2. The Bully ~ The bully enjoys the rewards of bullying. S/he may start out making small remarks ("no one cares what you say"), insults ("who bought your clothes - the garbageman?") or minor threats ("if you tell, you'll regret it..."). It starts small and escalates quickly. Most kids target another child from time-to-time, but the bully gets a thrill from the experience of power. Bullies keep going. They build on everything they have said in the past and gradually scale it up. It becomes a campaign. The bully loses all empathy and instead finds the reactions (fear, tears, depression) of the target funny. Bullies often justify their bullying by saying, "I was just joking - I didn't mean anything by it." Watch for this comment - it is a danger sign.
   
   
3. The Observer ~ Almost all children have observed bullying. Scary, isn't it? Here's the problem. Bullies recruit supporters - not to help with the bullying, but to join in the laughter. The observer, by watching and laughing instead of defending or looking for help, is enabling the bully. The observer is complicit in the bullying. As the bully gains passive supporters, the torment and pain of the victim intensifies significantly. The victim feels progressively more isolated and feelings of hopelessness creep in.

You must talk to your children about all three roles. Get them talking - ask probing questions to ensure that they truly understand what bullying is. Determine what they have experienced, observed and also what they may have done. This is serious. Don't lecture; help them understand how significant an issue this is.

Discuss together (1) what is/is not acceptable in your family, (2) what your child should do as an observer or as a victim and (3) what the consequences for bullying or supporting a bully are in your home. Discuss - don't lecture.

And - watch for changes in your child's behaviour. If you see any signs that your child is retreating or is unhappy or even if s/he seems a little down - don't wait. Talk about it right away. This is so important. Ask the parents of those two boys...

What did I do about our daughter's bullying? First, I talked to her to get a full understanding about what was going on, what was being said, who said it, who the passive observers were, how long it had been going on and who at the school knew about it. Once I had the facts, I asked her what she had done so far and what she would like the next steps to be. She asked for a day to try and work it out on her own. We practiced things she could say or do to defuse the situation.

In the end, I called the parents of the primary bully and one of the supporters. I GENTLY discussed the situation and focused on the impact it was having on my child. I asked for their support and assistance to help make it stop. I did not freak out (I wanted to) or imply that I thought their kids were horrible people (I kinda wanted to do that as well). I told them that I knew they had good kids, but that their children clearly did not understand the impact of their actions. I humbly asked them to help my daughter. It worked. The parents were devastated when they found out what was happening and they dealt with their kids. It stopped. And I still monitor what is happening in my daughter's school life every day. (She's fine now - back to her usual bubbly, happy self.)

I say this all the time - talk to your kids. Stay truly tapped into what is going on. Ask questions and really listen to the answers. As I like to say - listen with your heart.

For more information on how to talk to your kids about the things that really matter, check out my new book, Talk about Anything with Your Kids. http://www.talkaboutanything.ca/

Make communication a priority...

the communication guru