URGENT - Talk to Your Kids about Bullying

Bullying has been featured prominently in the news in the past few weeks after two 11 year-old boys (so very young) committed suicide within two weeks of each other because they were beaten down by persistent bullying. These incidents were completely independent of one another and took place in different states.

Both boys had been severely bullied and both had parents who knew about it and did what they could to try and make it stop. Two families still lost their sons. And other families have to live forever with the fact that their children contributed to the death of another child.

I am passionate about stopping bullying. My 11 year-old daughter was devastated earlier this year by persistent bullying that was supported by others who she thought were her friends. My heart broke as my beautiful, talented and loving daughter sobbed in agony in my arms. I'll tell you what we did about it at the end of this post.

First - what is bullying? It is the attempt to gain power over another through emotional and/or physical intimidation. It is all about raising oneself up by beating another down. Essentially, it is a form of torture.

There are three roles in bullying. Note to parents - I guarantee that your child has experienced at least one of these roles, if not all of them.

1. The Target ~ The target of a bully is the victim. Common targets are those who may be perceived to be different in any way from other kids, those who are very sensitive and/or those who obviously have low self-esteem or personal confidence. But, in the end, anyone can be a target.
   
   
2. The Bully ~ The bully enjoys the rewards of bullying. S/he may start out making small remarks ("no one cares what you say"), insults ("who bought your clothes - the garbageman?") or minor threats ("if you tell, you'll regret it..."). It starts small and escalates quickly. Most kids target another child from time-to-time, but the bully gets a thrill from the experience of power. Bullies keep going. They build on everything they have said in the past and gradually scale it up. It becomes a campaign. The bully loses all empathy and instead finds the reactions (fear, tears, depression) of the target funny. Bullies often justify their bullying by saying, "I was just joking - I didn't mean anything by it." Watch for this comment - it is a danger sign.
   
   
3. The Observer ~ Almost all children have observed bullying. Scary, isn't it? Here's the problem. Bullies recruit supporters - not to help with the bullying, but to join in the laughter. The observer, by watching and laughing instead of defending or looking for help, is enabling the bully. The observer is complicit in the bullying. As the bully gains passive supporters, the torment and pain of the victim intensifies significantly. The victim feels progressively more isolated and feelings of hopelessness creep in.

You must talk to your children about all three roles. Get them talking - ask probing questions to ensure that they truly understand what bullying is. Determine what they have experienced, observed and also what they may have done. This is serious. Don't lecture; help them understand how significant an issue this is.

Discuss together (1) what is/is not acceptable in your family, (2) what your child should do as an observer or as a victim and (3) what the consequences for bullying or supporting a bully are in your home. Discuss - don't lecture.

And - watch for changes in your child's behaviour. If you see any signs that your child is retreating or is unhappy or even if s/he seems a little down - don't wait. Talk about it right away. This is so important. Ask the parents of those two boys...

What did I do about our daughter's bullying? First, I talked to her to get a full understanding about what was going on, what was being said, who said it, who the passive observers were, how long it had been going on and who at the school knew about it. Once I had the facts, I asked her what she had done so far and what she would like the next steps to be. She asked for a day to try and work it out on her own. We practiced things she could say or do to defuse the situation.

In the end, I called the parents of the primary bully and one of the supporters. I GENTLY discussed the situation and focused on the impact it was having on my child. I asked for their support and assistance to help make it stop. I did not freak out (I wanted to) or imply that I thought their kids were horrible people (I kinda wanted to do that as well). I told them that I knew they had good kids, but that their children clearly did not understand the impact of their actions. I humbly asked them to help my daughter. It worked. The parents were devastated when they found out what was happening and they dealt with their kids. It stopped. And I still monitor what is happening in my daughter's school life every day. (She's fine now - back to her usual bubbly, happy self.)

I say this all the time - talk to your kids. Stay truly tapped into what is going on. Ask questions and really listen to the answers. As I like to say - listen with your heart.

For more information on how to talk to your kids about the things that really matter, check out my new book, Talk about Anything with Your Kids. http://www.talkaboutanything.ca/

Make communication a priority...

the communication guru

Simple Acts of Communication Can Be Powerful

This is one of my absolute favorite small videos. It shows how a very simple act of communication can have a massive impact on customer service and business development. This is how you attract customers and retain.

Not sure that you have the ability to make a difference in the lives of others? Well, if Johnny can make such a profound impact, just imagine what you can do...

the communication guru

Communicating with Kids Ain't Always Easy...

Talking to kids can be a frustrating experience - no doubt about it. There is a good reason for this and understanding this reason alone can help you improve matters almost immediately.

When kids are very young it is necessary for parents to have a directive communication style. We have to direct our little ones as they learn to navigate our world. It is partly about safety and partly about teaching them the rules of behavior that we (and society) expect. We do it naturally as parents.

But here's the thing...our kids learn the lessons from our direction quickly. They absorb everything; they are amazing learning machines. Their brains develop very quickly and they, as all parents well know, are constantly changing. It can be astounding to observe the changes from day-to-day. The problem is that, as kids are developing and changing, parents pretty much stay the same.

Directive communication is primarily one-way communication. "Do this now." "Don't touch that!" Older children are desperate for more balanced communication. Parents who stick with the directive style with older children are just asking for tantrums, talking back and angry confrontations.

Try having more balanced conversations with your kids. Let them voice their opinions, ideas and objections. You don't have to agree, but you do need to listen. Give your children a voice in your family. The directive communication style, when used exclusively, does not give children any voice whatsoever. Trust me, if you do not give your kids a voice, they will find a way to express their displeasure to you.

To see if your kids are becoming resistant to your communication style, take this brief quiz:
http://tinyurl.com/TAAquiz

I'll continue writing about this in my next post.

the communication guru

Something on Oprah has been haunting me...

A few weeks ago there was an episode of Oprah that is haunting me. The actual subject matter was about obese teenagers and how/why they became so incredibly overweight. The show was very interesting and they took good care of the teens who were involved with the show.

But what haunted me was the underlying cause for the weight gain - very poor communication and understanding between parent and child. Years worth - building up and literally weighing down these kids. It was heartbreaking to see the teens talk about how poorly understood they are by their parents.

Every person has a basic need to be heard and understood by others. Oprah even said something to this affect on the show. But this is what has been haunting me... You can't just tell a parent that they need to get to know their kids by listening to them better. You can't just tell a parent that they need to understand their kids better. Who could disagree with these directives? The problem is that these parents don't know how to do this. They may want to, but without any tools or guidance to help them change, they most likely will not be successful. Desire, while important, is not enough. Once those families are back home they will drift back into old patterns. I feel for the kids who were on the show.

I'll write more about parent-child communication in future posts.

the communication guru


Read more about parent-child communication in my new book, Talk about Anything with Your Kids http://www.talkaboutanything.ca

Communication Through a Squeeze of the Hand

I haven't written a blog post for a few months - let me tell you why.

Shortly after my last post my father had a health crisis and was rushed to the hospital. They discovered pneumonia and then, after further testing, found advanced lung cancer. He went from regular hospital care to palliative care (pain management and comfort for end of life) in a matter of a couple of weeks. My family was devastated and our heads were spinning with this very sudden turn of events.

We spent several weeks visiting my Dad, watching him deteriorate with shocking speed. I was with him during his last waking moments. He could barely breathe let alone speak. The change in his condition from that of the prior day was frightening. Even his nurses were astounded at how quickly he was slipping away. It was clear that he was in the last day or two of his life.

I sat beside him holding his hand while my mother took a brief break. My Dad was very intelligent and had clear blue eyes through which you could see the sharpness of his mind. He looked at me and asked me three questions - each with a breathless word or two. He whispered one word and I then guessed at what he wanted to know. I then repeated to him what I thought he was asking me and, after a confirming squeeze of my hand, I answered him. He squeezed my hand again after each reply from me. After I answered his questions, we sat quietly for a few minutes, his frail hand in mine - each of us holding on to each other for the last time. Of course, we did not know just then that it would be the last time. If I had known, I would not have let him go. His hand squeezes said more to me than any words could have. I hope he felt the same.

It was not like it is in the movies - we did not know when to say goodbye. So we never said it. But, through those hand squeezes we communicated a lifetime of love.

He was given an injection for pain about 15 minutes later, which made him sleep. He never regained consciousness and died the next afternoon.

This painful episode in my life proved to me what I have been saying for years. The weakest form of communication is through words. Body language and eye contact communicate so much more and with much more truth and clarity.

It took me a long time to write this post, although I have been thinking about it for months. So I'll dedicate this one to my father. Thanks for getting me writing again.

I miss you Dad, although I can still feel your hand in mine.

Give someone you love a squeeze today...

Catherine

Listen with Your Heart

One of the best ways to improve your listening skills is to truly listen to another with your whole heart.

Here are some tips on how to do this well:

1. Give the person talking your entire attention, regardless of what else might be going on around you.
2. Hang on the words of the other person as if he or she is the most important person in the world to you. (At that moment, the person speaking should be.)
3. Listen with your heart. Your ears will hear the words but your heart will hear the meaning.
4. Stay quiet, except to ask clarifying questions. Try not to inject your own thoughts - just let the other person speak.

You will be very surprised at both how hard this is and how rewarding it is!

Let me know how it goes!

the communication guru

Want to improve your presentations? Watch this!

This is one of the best presentations I've seen about how to improve your presentations. It is worth the time to watch the entire piece.

The presenter is Garr Reynolds. He is currently Associate Professor of Management at Kansai Gaidai University where he teaches Marketing, Global Marketing and Multimedia Presentation Design. Garr is active in the Japanese community and can often be found presenting on subjects concerning design, branding, and effective corporate communications.



the communication guru

"If I'd had a little more time, I would have written you a shorter letter."
Mark Twain (American author, humorist, satirist and lecturer)

Like I said in my last post, when it comes to effective writing, less is usually better. Take the time to write less...

the communication guru

To write better, write less...

One of the best lessons I ever learned about writing was to write less.

Sure, it is impressive when you read something beautifully written that uses rich, expressive and evocative language. However, in this modern age of little time and shrinking attention spans, simple is much better.

Simple writing is clear and has a greater chance of being noticed, read, understood and remembered. The more complex your message, the greater the chance that only part (often a very small part) will be read and processed by your reader.

Here's some advice to consider the next time you you need to write something:

1. Quickly write what you want to say. (Write it completely and don't edit as you go.)
2. Next, underline your key message. (There only should be one.)
3. Start subtracting many (or all) of the secondary messages. (Take out the fluff.)
4. Keep going until your key message stands alone.
5. Add any supporting sentences that are required, but only if they add to the clarity.
6. Consider removing most, if not all, of your adjectives.
7. Make final adjustments to your message until you are certain that it is clear and memorable.

Simple writing is clear writing. Go for it!

the communication guru

The Grace of Barack Obama's Victory Speech

The recent American election was a riveting event that garnered worldwide attention.

The months leading up to the election provided some of the best entertainment we had seen in years. Mud-slinging, accusations, gaffes, vicious commercials, mind-boggling choices, hilarious spoofs and SNL routines kept the world's eyes on this election, more so than any other in the past.

What's really interesting though is that this election was truly a battle between two good and worthy candidates. Still, with the intensity of the is contest, you might have expected the winner to step forward with pomp and circumstance, fireworks ripping the evening sky, fists pumped in the air, dancing a victory dance.

This is not what happened...

First -

John McCain delivered a very gracious concession speech. He spoke from his heart with honesty and sincerity. He took firm control of his audience and presented his support to the President-elect. He went back to who he really is - the man that originally appealed to American people. I think that, if he had run his campaign the way he delivered this speech, he would have been much more of a contender in this election. Here was the man, the hero and the leader. Unfortunately, he lost his connection to these things during the campaign and he lost the election as a result. Poor communication can really cost...

Second -

Barack Obama delivered his 'victory' speech. I'll never forget his face when he walked out to the podium - intelligent, sincere, humble and truly honoured. No fireworks, no fist-pumping. He walked out and all his expression said was "Thank you". Then he began to speak - from the depths of his heart. He expressed gratitude, he took control, he reached out to unite all Americans - whether they had voted for him or not. He did not rant like a cheerleader and whip people up - he focused on inspiration and teamwork. He delivered a truly great speech - a speech that was consistent with everything else he had said during his campaign. His communication style is that of a true leader - honest, consistent, galvanizing, clear, concise, motivating, sincere and heartfelt. He delivered his speech with grace. This is why so many people voted for him. Great communication can really win the game...

Even Obama's unspoken messages were strong - the humble facial expressions, the sincere wave, the open body language, the people he brought up on stage with him for recognition, his body contact with his family - everything was congruent with the words he spoke and the messages he conveyed. Truly magnificent to observe.

Watch the whole thing again here...




There is a lot to be learned from watching a great communicator in action. Keep your eye on Obama - this is a great opportunity to observe and learn from a master.

In the meantime - keep your communication sincere, honest, heartfelt and gracious. The benefits are great.

the communication guru

What determines the quality of your life?

"The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives."
~Anthony Robbins
1960-, American Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Expert / Consultant

Read this quote again.

Nothing could be more true. If you truly believe this (and you should), shouldn't you spend more time working on your communication skills more than you do now?

the communication guru

The Rules of Personal Space (or how close is close-talking?)

I observed a funny thing at a networking event recently.

I was off to the side of the meeting room drinking a glass of water, watching some of the people meeting and networking. A woman in a red jacket caught my eye as she walked up to a professional-looking man and introduced herself. They shook hands and started to chat. Then a funny thing started to happen. Every time I looked away and looked back, this pair was in a different place in the room. Curious, I started to watch a little more closely and this is what I noticed. As they were talking, the woman would step in quite close to the man and, clearly uncomfortable, the man would take a step backward. She'd take another step forward and he'd counter with another step back. This led to a bizarre slow dance around the room. After a few minutes, the woman broke away from the conversation and left the room smiling. The man wiped his brow with his arm as she walked away, clearly relieved to be free.

Remember the classic Seinfeld episode with the 'close-talker'? He made everyone crazy by zooming into people and talking almost nose-to-nose. Really funny episode...

It can be really funny to watch someone else's space be invaded, but it feels horrible when it happens to you. Our ancient 'fight or flight' mechanisms are triggered when this happens, which is why we feel so uncomfortable. Our instincts make us either want to run from or slug the offender.

In order to prevent some really awkward situations, let's review the standard rules for personal space in North America. (It may not be the same in other parts of the world.)

The Intimate Zone: 12 inches (30 cm) or less
~This space is reserved for personal intimacy. If you aren't comfortable hugging or kissing someone, you should not be in this space. That is why most of us don't like airline seats or crowded subways - we are forced to have strangers in our intimate zone for a sustained period.

The Personal Zone: 1-2 feet (30-60 cm)
~This space is reserved for people we know and like, or those we invite in. We often invite people we have just met into this space - to shake hands or to talk in a noisy space. The thing is, those we invite should not overstay. We usually bob in and out of this space. Staying too long can feel invasive and uncomfortable.

The Social Zone: 2-4 feet (60- 120 cm)
~This space is far enough away that we feel comfortable with those we don't know well. We move in closer to talk, and back away after talking or listening. Watch small groups at company parties. They stand in a group 2-4 feet across. Then they take turns tipping their heads forward and taking a step in, and then lifting their heads and backing up. It is the social party dance.

The Public Zone: More than 4 feet (120 cm+)
~This is the space outside your personal zone where your comfort is not a factor. This is essentially the world outside of you.

So, be aware of where you place yourself in conversations. And no close-talking, please, unless you have been invited in!

the communication guru

The essence of body language...

"Body language is a very powerful tool. We had body language before we had speech..."

Deborah Bull (dancer)


Excellent point. When you think of it this way, you start to understand how much we really do communicate with our bodies vs. our words. Just a reminder - our words only communicate 7% of our message; the tone we use makes up 38% and body language sends 55% of our message.

Our bodies can't lie...
the communication guru

What do crossed arms mean?

I was asked this question in a workshop recently. And it is a tough one to sum up in a simple answer. The honest answer - crossed arms can mean a lot and they can mean nothing.

Crossed arms may mean nothing when...

1) ...people are sitting around a meeting table, especially if the arms of the chairs are awkward or there are no chair arms. Often, we don't know what to do with our arms and will just cross them for comfort.

2) ...if you are in a cool room. Women, especially, will cross their arms when they feel cool.

3) ...someone is listening intently to you. Many people make their body very still when listening carefully to what is being said. Crossing arms is a favoured way to still the body.

Crossed arms may deserve your attention when:

1) ...accompanied by a negative facial expression such as a frown, squinted eyes or head shaking. (This is obvious discomfort with what is being said.)

2) ...if the arms are crossed very tightly, as if the person is protecting herself. (The person feels threatened by the conversation and/or situation.)

3) ...if the person you are talking to crosses his or her arms and starts to increase the angle between the two of you. (The person wants to escape. Hint - let them go!)

So, it is important to recognize that crossed arms alone don't mean much, but when combined with other body language, your listener may be sending you a very strong signal.

Hope this helps!

the communication guru

Pardon?

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
Robert McCloskey (American author and illustrator)

Too often too true...
the communication guru

You Listen with Your Emotions (Not Your Ears)

You may not realize it, but you have been programmed to hear certain words and ideas and, unfortunately, not to hear others.

This situation creates a problem for you when you are listening to someone else. There are words that, when you hear them, are ripe with meaning and emotion that may well have completely different or very little meaning to other people. When you hear these words or ideas, your subconscious adds the memory, meaning and emotional context to the words you hear and impacts your understanding of what the other person is saying.

This can cause you to dramatically misinterpret what you are hearing. It can cause over-reaction or an inappropriate emotional response. It causes you to add color and meaning to someone else's thoughts that may not be at all applicable.

We all do it - all the time. We carry our past experiences with us wherever we go - like permanent programming on our individual hard drives. You aren't aware of it, but it's always working in the background. This certainly can contribute to your being a less than stellar listener.

So, be aware of your reactions and responses. And add some new programming. Listen to understand - not to react. Ask questions to ensure you really understand what is being said. Awareness is half the battle...

the communication guru

Imagine...

"Think and speak the beautiful only."
Christian D. Larson (early new thought leader)

Imagine the world if this could be achieved...
the communication guru

The Rule Of Prominence (It's True - Less is More)

When you really have something important to convey, don't bury the key facts in an avalanche of non-critical facts.

Often, thinking that more info is better, we bury the message we are trying to convey or, at very least, leave the listener searching through mountains of facts for the real nuggets. The next time you have something important to say (personal or business), decide which facts are most critical and focus on those.

This is the rule of prominence. You need to centre your words so that what is most important in your message takes prominence over everything else. Don't leave any doubt about what you are trying to say or what you are asking.

More isn't better; it is confusing. Stay clear and focused and you will create fewer misunderstandings. This holds true when talking to friends, colleagues, senior management and most definitely when talking to children.

Stay clear, stay focused on the key facts only and keep it short. It will make all the difference.

the communication guru

The Human Connection

"Communication--the human connection--is the key to personal and career success."
Paul J. Meyer (Author and founder of SMI International)

There you go. It is nice to hear someone else carry the banner as well!
the communication guru

The 'Noise' Factor (Your Real Competition)

The next time you have an important message to deliver, consider the 'noise' that may prevent your message from being received and understood. The 'noise factor' is often neglected.

Whether you are speaking to someone or sending an email, you need to consider what else may attract the attention of your intended audience at the same time. Sometimes it is obvious; at other times you may need to do a little work to see what else may compete with your message.

Here are some considerations:

• Never try to compete with a television. Don't try to talk to your spouse or children about anything important to you while the TV is on. This is a losing proposition and will only lead to anger and frustration. This applies to the computer, when someone is reading or listening to music. Even if the person looks up from what he or she is doing, you are still competing with the TV, computer, book or music. Please don't get frustrated if your message is not received as well as you would like...pick another time, when the conditions are more favourable.
• If you are sending an email, realize that yours is one of dozens, maybe even hundreds that your recipient(s) will receive today. How can you make yours stand out? Give it some thought. There is a lot of competition for attention. And know that you may need to send out more than one email to get your message across.
• You know that you multi-task when you are on the phone; don't be surprised when I tell you that you rarely have the undivided attention of the people you are talking to on the phone. They are likely watching TV, sitting in front of a computer, reading whatever is at hand... Unfortunate, but so often true. If you have something important to say, ask for the attention you need before you say it or try to arrange to talk in person (we don't do that enough anymore).

Just remember, what you have to communicate is very important to you, but it will have to compete with the 'noise' of the modern world.

Awareness is more than half the battle...

the communication guru

A shortage of listeners...

"It seems rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners."
~Erma Bombeck (humorous writer)

Let's change the balance...
the communication guru

The Growing Epidemic No One Talks About (But Should)

To interrupt means 'to stop or hinder by breaking in'. Breaking into someone else's home is a crime. Breaking into someone else's stream of thought should be as well...

Interrupting is epidemic at the moment. It has become common practice - on the verge of being accepted even. But, you see, interrupting is impatient, belittling and, frankly, it is incredibly rude. If I interrupt you it means that I think that what I have to say is more important than what you appear to be about to say.

It also means that you are not listening. If you are ready to interrupt with a full-fledged thought, then you weren't really listening to what was being said. Take the time to actually listen to what is being said to you. You might find it more interesting than you expected.

Now here's the trick - pause before you respond. Pausing can work miracles - it allows the person talking to add more information and insights. And, it shows incredible consideration for another. Don't be afraid of a few moments of silence; it shows that you are considering what has just been said. Pausing is reflective and thoughtful. By pausing, you can make the person you are listening to feel very important.

All great relationships are formed on a foundation of sincere listening. Observe those newly in love - they hang on every word the other says. Giving someone else your full attention is intoxicating. Interrupting is a violation.

Give the gift of the pause...and watch your relationships flourish.

the communication guru

The essence of communication...

"If you just communicate, you can get by. But, if you skillfully communicate, you can work miracles."
Jim Rohn (America's foremost business philospher)

Exactly.
the communication guru

Use body language to your advantage..

In an earlier post I talked about how 55% of the message you convey is through your body language (the remaining 38% percent through tone and inflection and only 7% through your actual words).

What this really means is that most people experience the world more through their eyes than through their ears. Think about that a little. When you are communicating, you need to think about what your body is saying and you need to ensure that it is congruent with your words.

So, how can you control body language? Here are a few tips:

1. Keep your body language open - that is, stand or sit tall and don't cross your arms or legs. Think of the way you would stand if you were to welcome someone - tall posture, arms open and relaxed with a soft, warm expression on your face. This is open body language. It communicates that you are sincere and are not hiding anything.
2. Mimic the body language of others - especially in one-on-one situations. When you are sitting or standing across from someone, slightly mimic the body language of the person you are talking to. Lean in if he or she does; lean back or tilt you head if he or she does; cross your arms, cross your legs, put your elbow on the table, etc. Now, don't do a full mirroring or the person will just think that you are strange or even annoying. However, if you are subtle about it, it will make the other person feel very comfortable.
3. Watch your angle - again in one-on-one situations. Angle your body - whether standing or sitting - about 45 degrees from the other person. Face-to-face can feel too confrontational or too intimate. A larger angle will make the other person feel like you are trying to escape. 45 degrees creates an opening that maximizes personal space and maintains the connection when two people are in close proximity.
4. Manage your eye contact - if you can't recall the eye colour of the person you were last speaking to, you did not have adequate eye contact. Don't stare people down, but look long enough to notice eye colour and shape. Look away and look back. Eye contact (in Western countries) implies connection and says, "What you are saying is important to me."
5. Use gestures, but keep them in a box - gestures are more important than most people realize. They help add emphasis to your words and they are visually interesting. Just remember to keep them contained in an imaginary 18" square box that sits in front of your chest. Anything bigger can communicate that you are exaggerating. Lack of gesture can imply that you are holding back or are not telling the truth.

So, give your own body language some thought. It can say more about you than the words you use.

the communication guru

Communication leads to community...

"Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual understanding."
Rollo May (American author and psychologist)

So true, but only if you are listening...
the communication guru

Do you speak in code?

You sure do - we all do!

Here is another reason why communication between people is so darn difficult. We all have differing backgrounds, experiences, preferences, biases, needs and wants - and all of these things affect how we string words together to express our thoughts. So, when you have two people having a conversation, the person speaking may be speaking in code. The person listening may hear the words and extract a completely different meaning from the same words.

It is the job of the person listening to decode the message heard. You have to put aside your own interpretations and ask questions to ensure that you know what the person speaking meant. If you don't, I guarantee that there will be misunderstandings.

This is the reason why several people who have heard the same person speak will take away very different messages. Each person listens through his/her own filters of experience and may apply different meaning to the same sets of words, or may place different levels of importance on one part of the message over another. This is why communicating a clear message can be so very difficult.

As a listener, take the time to really understand. Never assume you know what was meant just because the words were clear to you. This is how most misunderstandings happen. We think or assume that we know exactly what someone meant when, in fact, we did not. Funny how people will often ask the question, "Did I hear that right?" when the question really should be "Did I understand that correctly?"

So, think of yourself as a coder when talking and a decoder when listening. When talking, help the listener understand your message. And listen with the intent to understand and there will be fewer misunderstandings - at least on your part!

Conversations - 'handle with care'
the communication guru

The wisdom of Ann Landers

"The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven't thought of yet. "
Ann Landers

Do you know what the definition of regret is? 'Distress of mind on account of something beyond one's power to remedy' (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Don't let your words lead to regret.

You know, Ann got a lot right.
the communication guru

Listening faux pas #3: Rehearsing

You are probably guilty of this...

Someone is talking and, instead of really listening to what he or she has to say, your mind takes off as you start to plan what you are going to say. It is almost like you split into two parts: your physical body looks interested in the speaker, you nod and maintain eye contact, but your mind is far, far away. You rehearse your words, all the while completely ignoring what the person speaking is saying.

Then one of three things happens:

1) When the speaker stops talking, you realize that where he or she finished speaking is far different than the point you dropped out and your planned words aren't suitable anymore. This is the case when you find yourself sputtering, "Sorry - what was that you said?" This will create anger or frustration in the person speaking. Makes it hard to connect with another person...

2) When the speaker stops talking, you chime in with your prepared words but, because you weren't listening well, your comments don't seem to make sense. You will know this is the case when you find the person you are talking to kind of looking at you sideways through squinted eyes. You've been caught.

3) When the speaker stops talking, you chime in with your prepared words and, through some miracle, your comments work in the conversation. This maybe happens 5% of the time - poor odds indeed.

As much as rehearsing what you are going to say may seem to make sense (preparation is always a good idea, right?), it is a very poor idea. Trust your own spontaneity - you will speak in a more genuine and honest manner when you actually listen to the person speaking with interest. I like to say - listen with your heart.

Sincerely listening to another person is one of the greatest gifts you can give to another person. When was the last time someone genuinely listened to you? Not recently, I'll bet. There is no better way to connect to another person than to listen to them with your whole heart. Try it - with your colleagues, with your family, with your boss... You may be surprised by the results.

Listen with your heart - it makes all the difference.

the communication guru

The illusion of communication...

"The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
George Bernard Shaw (Irish playwright, essayist and 1925 Nobel Prize winner)

Most of us feel that once we have said our piece or sent the email or submitted the report that communication has occurred. Shaw is correct - most of us think we have communicated well and yet, I hate to tell you, we are wrong much of the time. Truly, we are kidding ourselves.

There are three main components to effective communication:

1. Sending the message: Crafting the words and delivering the words
2. Receiving the message: Just because the message was sent does not mean it was received by the intended audience
3. Understanding the message: Just because the message was received does not mean it was understood

And here is the really hard part - if you are the person communicating, you have the primary responsibility for all three components. Surprised? Hey, it is your message...

So spend time on all three components - what you are going to say, how you will ensure that the message was received and understood. You might be surprised how challenging step 2 and 3 can be... When you ensure that all three components are working effectively, your overall rate of communication success will improve.

I'll talk more in future posts about how to optimize each step.

the communication guru

You might be shocked...

Research shows that, whether speaking to one or more people, the actual words you use to express yourself account for only about 7% of the message others receive from you. Only 7%!! I was stunned when I heard that - just think about how much effort we put into carefully crafting our words so that just the right message is delivered.

So what could be sending the stronger message? Well, it is predominately our body language - about 55%, in fact. This means that your posture, facial expressions, eye contact, stance, gestures, energy level, confidence level, and even clothing and hairstyle have more impact on the listener than your words do.

The remaining 38% is another key factor with more impact than your words - your vocal delivery. That means how you say what you say carries more weight with the listener than does what you say alone. This includes the tone of your voice, your inflection, your perceived sincerity and how quickly you speak.

Looking at it another way, about 93% of your message when speaking is delivered through non-verbal cues. This is very important to acknowledge. When you prepare to communicate an important message, you need to consider both the message but also how you will deliver your message.

How a listener interprets your message is this: if what you say seems to be in line with your verbal tone and your body language, your message will be believed. If what you say seems to be in conflict with your non-verbal signals, you will not be believed, no matter how accurate and beautifully crafted your message may be. It is that simple.

Ever heard the phrases 'actions speak louder than words' or 'seeing is believing'? Well, the research backs it up.

Note: Many studies support these percentages, including the comprehensive study completed by Professor Albert Mehrabian at the University of California (on non-verbal communication).

Bet you didn't realize that we listen better with our eyes than we do our ears...
the communication guru

Ain't this the truth...

"The best of us must sometimes eat our words."
— J. K. Rowling: British fantasy author (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

So true.

And, when we do have to eat our words, we rarely forget our misstep. I will always remember my worst offences. Always.

I think that my personal experience making some real communication gaffes in the past is what has led to my interest in promoting effective communication skills.

Words taste terrible; have some pasta instead.
the communication guru

Listening faux pas #2: Assuming

Here's another very common listening faux pas that I see all the time. People listening to others often make an assumption about what the speaker is about to say based only on the first 3-5 words heard. This can be a big mistake...

We make assumptions for a number of reasons. We may have heard the opening words before and assume that the same thought will follow those words when we hear them again. We may assume that we know what someone is going to say because we know them very well. (This can be a big issue between spouses.) We may also feel that we are expert in the subject being discussed and make assumptions that there is no new information that could be added by others.
Regardless of the reason for the assumption, you can get caught in an embarrassing statement if your assumption is not correct. Do this frequently and you can get a reputation as a poor listener.

And finally, when you cut someone off because you 'know' what he or she is going to say, you only create a problem for yourself. Whether you are correct or incorrect in your assumption, the person speaking won't thank you. If you assume incorrectly, you are likely to hear, "Actually, what I was going to say was..." or if you assume correctly, you are likely to completely shut down the speaker. In either case, you will have essentially devalued the contribution of the person speaking. This is no way to increase connection with others or build relationships.

The other big problem with making an assumption is that it frequently leads to faux pas #3 - interrupting. More about that one next time.

Pause to listen. You may hear something unexpected...

the communication guru