Communication Through a Squeeze of the Hand

I haven't written a blog post for a few months - let me tell you why.

Shortly after my last post my father had a health crisis and was rushed to the hospital. They discovered pneumonia and then, after further testing, found advanced lung cancer. He went from regular hospital care to palliative care (pain management and comfort for end of life) in a matter of a couple of weeks. My family was devastated and our heads were spinning with this very sudden turn of events.

We spent several weeks visiting my Dad, watching him deteriorate with shocking speed. I was with him during his last waking moments. He could barely breathe let alone speak. The change in his condition from that of the prior day was frightening. Even his nurses were astounded at how quickly he was slipping away. It was clear that he was in the last day or two of his life.

I sat beside him holding his hand while my mother took a brief break. My Dad was very intelligent and had clear blue eyes through which you could see the sharpness of his mind. He looked at me and asked me three questions - each with a breathless word or two. He whispered one word and I then guessed at what he wanted to know. I then repeated to him what I thought he was asking me and, after a confirming squeeze of my hand, I answered him. He squeezed my hand again after each reply from me. After I answered his questions, we sat quietly for a few minutes, his frail hand in mine - each of us holding on to each other for the last time. Of course, we did not know just then that it would be the last time. If I had known, I would not have let him go. His hand squeezes said more to me than any words could have. I hope he felt the same.

It was not like it is in the movies - we did not know when to say goodbye. So we never said it. But, through those hand squeezes we communicated a lifetime of love.

He was given an injection for pain about 15 minutes later, which made him sleep. He never regained consciousness and died the next afternoon.

This painful episode in my life proved to me what I have been saying for years. The weakest form of communication is through words. Body language and eye contact communicate so much more and with much more truth and clarity.

It took me a long time to write this post, although I have been thinking about it for months. So I'll dedicate this one to my father. Thanks for getting me writing again.

I miss you Dad, although I can still feel your hand in mine.

Give someone you love a squeeze today...

Catherine

The Grace of Barack Obama's Victory Speech

The recent American election was a riveting event that garnered worldwide attention.

The months leading up to the election provided some of the best entertainment we had seen in years. Mud-slinging, accusations, gaffes, vicious commercials, mind-boggling choices, hilarious spoofs and SNL routines kept the world's eyes on this election, more so than any other in the past.

What's really interesting though is that this election was truly a battle between two good and worthy candidates. Still, with the intensity of the is contest, you might have expected the winner to step forward with pomp and circumstance, fireworks ripping the evening sky, fists pumped in the air, dancing a victory dance.

This is not what happened...

First -

John McCain delivered a very gracious concession speech. He spoke from his heart with honesty and sincerity. He took firm control of his audience and presented his support to the President-elect. He went back to who he really is - the man that originally appealed to American people. I think that, if he had run his campaign the way he delivered this speech, he would have been much more of a contender in this election. Here was the man, the hero and the leader. Unfortunately, he lost his connection to these things during the campaign and he lost the election as a result. Poor communication can really cost...

Second -

Barack Obama delivered his 'victory' speech. I'll never forget his face when he walked out to the podium - intelligent, sincere, humble and truly honoured. No fireworks, no fist-pumping. He walked out and all his expression said was "Thank you". Then he began to speak - from the depths of his heart. He expressed gratitude, he took control, he reached out to unite all Americans - whether they had voted for him or not. He did not rant like a cheerleader and whip people up - he focused on inspiration and teamwork. He delivered a truly great speech - a speech that was consistent with everything else he had said during his campaign. His communication style is that of a true leader - honest, consistent, galvanizing, clear, concise, motivating, sincere and heartfelt. He delivered his speech with grace. This is why so many people voted for him. Great communication can really win the game...

Even Obama's unspoken messages were strong - the humble facial expressions, the sincere wave, the open body language, the people he brought up on stage with him for recognition, his body contact with his family - everything was congruent with the words he spoke and the messages he conveyed. Truly magnificent to observe.

Watch the whole thing again here...




There is a lot to be learned from watching a great communicator in action. Keep your eye on Obama - this is a great opportunity to observe and learn from a master.

In the meantime - keep your communication sincere, honest, heartfelt and gracious. The benefits are great.

the communication guru

The Rules of Personal Space (or how close is close-talking?)

I observed a funny thing at a networking event recently.

I was off to the side of the meeting room drinking a glass of water, watching some of the people meeting and networking. A woman in a red jacket caught my eye as she walked up to a professional-looking man and introduced herself. They shook hands and started to chat. Then a funny thing started to happen. Every time I looked away and looked back, this pair was in a different place in the room. Curious, I started to watch a little more closely and this is what I noticed. As they were talking, the woman would step in quite close to the man and, clearly uncomfortable, the man would take a step backward. She'd take another step forward and he'd counter with another step back. This led to a bizarre slow dance around the room. After a few minutes, the woman broke away from the conversation and left the room smiling. The man wiped his brow with his arm as she walked away, clearly relieved to be free.

Remember the classic Seinfeld episode with the 'close-talker'? He made everyone crazy by zooming into people and talking almost nose-to-nose. Really funny episode...

It can be really funny to watch someone else's space be invaded, but it feels horrible when it happens to you. Our ancient 'fight or flight' mechanisms are triggered when this happens, which is why we feel so uncomfortable. Our instincts make us either want to run from or slug the offender.

In order to prevent some really awkward situations, let's review the standard rules for personal space in North America. (It may not be the same in other parts of the world.)

The Intimate Zone: 12 inches (30 cm) or less
~This space is reserved for personal intimacy. If you aren't comfortable hugging or kissing someone, you should not be in this space. That is why most of us don't like airline seats or crowded subways - we are forced to have strangers in our intimate zone for a sustained period.

The Personal Zone: 1-2 feet (30-60 cm)
~This space is reserved for people we know and like, or those we invite in. We often invite people we have just met into this space - to shake hands or to talk in a noisy space. The thing is, those we invite should not overstay. We usually bob in and out of this space. Staying too long can feel invasive and uncomfortable.

The Social Zone: 2-4 feet (60- 120 cm)
~This space is far enough away that we feel comfortable with those we don't know well. We move in closer to talk, and back away after talking or listening. Watch small groups at company parties. They stand in a group 2-4 feet across. Then they take turns tipping their heads forward and taking a step in, and then lifting their heads and backing up. It is the social party dance.

The Public Zone: More than 4 feet (120 cm+)
~This is the space outside your personal zone where your comfort is not a factor. This is essentially the world outside of you.

So, be aware of where you place yourself in conversations. And no close-talking, please, unless you have been invited in!

the communication guru

The essence of body language...

"Body language is a very powerful tool. We had body language before we had speech..."

Deborah Bull (dancer)


Excellent point. When you think of it this way, you start to understand how much we really do communicate with our bodies vs. our words. Just a reminder - our words only communicate 7% of our message; the tone we use makes up 38% and body language sends 55% of our message.

Our bodies can't lie...
the communication guru

What do crossed arms mean?

I was asked this question in a workshop recently. And it is a tough one to sum up in a simple answer. The honest answer - crossed arms can mean a lot and they can mean nothing.

Crossed arms may mean nothing when...

1) ...people are sitting around a meeting table, especially if the arms of the chairs are awkward or there are no chair arms. Often, we don't know what to do with our arms and will just cross them for comfort.

2) ...if you are in a cool room. Women, especially, will cross their arms when they feel cool.

3) ...someone is listening intently to you. Many people make their body very still when listening carefully to what is being said. Crossing arms is a favoured way to still the body.

Crossed arms may deserve your attention when:

1) ...accompanied by a negative facial expression such as a frown, squinted eyes or head shaking. (This is obvious discomfort with what is being said.)

2) ...if the arms are crossed very tightly, as if the person is protecting herself. (The person feels threatened by the conversation and/or situation.)

3) ...if the person you are talking to crosses his or her arms and starts to increase the angle between the two of you. (The person wants to escape. Hint - let them go!)

So, it is important to recognize that crossed arms alone don't mean much, but when combined with other body language, your listener may be sending you a very strong signal.

Hope this helps!

the communication guru

Use body language to your advantage..

In an earlier post I talked about how 55% of the message you convey is through your body language (the remaining 38% percent through tone and inflection and only 7% through your actual words).

What this really means is that most people experience the world more through their eyes than through their ears. Think about that a little. When you are communicating, you need to think about what your body is saying and you need to ensure that it is congruent with your words.

So, how can you control body language? Here are a few tips:

1. Keep your body language open - that is, stand or sit tall and don't cross your arms or legs. Think of the way you would stand if you were to welcome someone - tall posture, arms open and relaxed with a soft, warm expression on your face. This is open body language. It communicates that you are sincere and are not hiding anything.
2. Mimic the body language of others - especially in one-on-one situations. When you are sitting or standing across from someone, slightly mimic the body language of the person you are talking to. Lean in if he or she does; lean back or tilt you head if he or she does; cross your arms, cross your legs, put your elbow on the table, etc. Now, don't do a full mirroring or the person will just think that you are strange or even annoying. However, if you are subtle about it, it will make the other person feel very comfortable.
3. Watch your angle - again in one-on-one situations. Angle your body - whether standing or sitting - about 45 degrees from the other person. Face-to-face can feel too confrontational or too intimate. A larger angle will make the other person feel like you are trying to escape. 45 degrees creates an opening that maximizes personal space and maintains the connection when two people are in close proximity.
4. Manage your eye contact - if you can't recall the eye colour of the person you were last speaking to, you did not have adequate eye contact. Don't stare people down, but look long enough to notice eye colour and shape. Look away and look back. Eye contact (in Western countries) implies connection and says, "What you are saying is important to me."
5. Use gestures, but keep them in a box - gestures are more important than most people realize. They help add emphasis to your words and they are visually interesting. Just remember to keep them contained in an imaginary 18" square box that sits in front of your chest. Anything bigger can communicate that you are exaggerating. Lack of gesture can imply that you are holding back or are not telling the truth.

So, give your own body language some thought. It can say more about you than the words you use.

the communication guru

You might be shocked...

Research shows that, whether speaking to one or more people, the actual words you use to express yourself account for only about 7% of the message others receive from you. Only 7%!! I was stunned when I heard that - just think about how much effort we put into carefully crafting our words so that just the right message is delivered.

So what could be sending the stronger message? Well, it is predominately our body language - about 55%, in fact. This means that your posture, facial expressions, eye contact, stance, gestures, energy level, confidence level, and even clothing and hairstyle have more impact on the listener than your words do.

The remaining 38% is another key factor with more impact than your words - your vocal delivery. That means how you say what you say carries more weight with the listener than does what you say alone. This includes the tone of your voice, your inflection, your perceived sincerity and how quickly you speak.

Looking at it another way, about 93% of your message when speaking is delivered through non-verbal cues. This is very important to acknowledge. When you prepare to communicate an important message, you need to consider both the message but also how you will deliver your message.

How a listener interprets your message is this: if what you say seems to be in line with your verbal tone and your body language, your message will be believed. If what you say seems to be in conflict with your non-verbal signals, you will not be believed, no matter how accurate and beautifully crafted your message may be. It is that simple.

Ever heard the phrases 'actions speak louder than words' or 'seeing is believing'? Well, the research backs it up.

Note: Many studies support these percentages, including the comprehensive study completed by Professor Albert Mehrabian at the University of California (on non-verbal communication).

Bet you didn't realize that we listen better with our eyes than we do our ears...
the communication guru