Listen with Your Heart

One of the best ways to improve your listening skills is to truly listen to another with your whole heart.

Here are some tips on how to do this well:

1. Give the person talking your entire attention, regardless of what else might be going on around you.
2. Hang on the words of the other person as if he or she is the most important person in the world to you. (At that moment, the person speaking should be.)
3. Listen with your heart. Your ears will hear the words but your heart will hear the meaning.
4. Stay quiet, except to ask clarifying questions. Try not to inject your own thoughts - just let the other person speak.

You will be very surprised at both how hard this is and how rewarding it is!

Let me know how it goes!

the communication guru

Pardon?

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
Robert McCloskey (American author and illustrator)

Too often too true...
the communication guru

You Listen with Your Emotions (Not Your Ears)

You may not realize it, but you have been programmed to hear certain words and ideas and, unfortunately, not to hear others.

This situation creates a problem for you when you are listening to someone else. There are words that, when you hear them, are ripe with meaning and emotion that may well have completely different or very little meaning to other people. When you hear these words or ideas, your subconscious adds the memory, meaning and emotional context to the words you hear and impacts your understanding of what the other person is saying.

This can cause you to dramatically misinterpret what you are hearing. It can cause over-reaction or an inappropriate emotional response. It causes you to add color and meaning to someone else's thoughts that may not be at all applicable.

We all do it - all the time. We carry our past experiences with us wherever we go - like permanent programming on our individual hard drives. You aren't aware of it, but it's always working in the background. This certainly can contribute to your being a less than stellar listener.

So, be aware of your reactions and responses. And add some new programming. Listen to understand - not to react. Ask questions to ensure you really understand what is being said. Awareness is half the battle...

the communication guru

A shortage of listeners...

"It seems rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners."
~Erma Bombeck (humorous writer)

Let's change the balance...
the communication guru

The Growing Epidemic No One Talks About (But Should)

To interrupt means 'to stop or hinder by breaking in'. Breaking into someone else's home is a crime. Breaking into someone else's stream of thought should be as well...

Interrupting is epidemic at the moment. It has become common practice - on the verge of being accepted even. But, you see, interrupting is impatient, belittling and, frankly, it is incredibly rude. If I interrupt you it means that I think that what I have to say is more important than what you appear to be about to say.

It also means that you are not listening. If you are ready to interrupt with a full-fledged thought, then you weren't really listening to what was being said. Take the time to actually listen to what is being said to you. You might find it more interesting than you expected.

Now here's the trick - pause before you respond. Pausing can work miracles - it allows the person talking to add more information and insights. And, it shows incredible consideration for another. Don't be afraid of a few moments of silence; it shows that you are considering what has just been said. Pausing is reflective and thoughtful. By pausing, you can make the person you are listening to feel very important.

All great relationships are formed on a foundation of sincere listening. Observe those newly in love - they hang on every word the other says. Giving someone else your full attention is intoxicating. Interrupting is a violation.

Give the gift of the pause...and watch your relationships flourish.

the communication guru

Do you speak in code?

You sure do - we all do!

Here is another reason why communication between people is so darn difficult. We all have differing backgrounds, experiences, preferences, biases, needs and wants - and all of these things affect how we string words together to express our thoughts. So, when you have two people having a conversation, the person speaking may be speaking in code. The person listening may hear the words and extract a completely different meaning from the same words.

It is the job of the person listening to decode the message heard. You have to put aside your own interpretations and ask questions to ensure that you know what the person speaking meant. If you don't, I guarantee that there will be misunderstandings.

This is the reason why several people who have heard the same person speak will take away very different messages. Each person listens through his/her own filters of experience and may apply different meaning to the same sets of words, or may place different levels of importance on one part of the message over another. This is why communicating a clear message can be so very difficult.

As a listener, take the time to really understand. Never assume you know what was meant just because the words were clear to you. This is how most misunderstandings happen. We think or assume that we know exactly what someone meant when, in fact, we did not. Funny how people will often ask the question, "Did I hear that right?" when the question really should be "Did I understand that correctly?"

So, think of yourself as a coder when talking and a decoder when listening. When talking, help the listener understand your message. And listen with the intent to understand and there will be fewer misunderstandings - at least on your part!

Conversations - 'handle with care'
the communication guru

Listening faux pas #3: Rehearsing

You are probably guilty of this...

Someone is talking and, instead of really listening to what he or she has to say, your mind takes off as you start to plan what you are going to say. It is almost like you split into two parts: your physical body looks interested in the speaker, you nod and maintain eye contact, but your mind is far, far away. You rehearse your words, all the while completely ignoring what the person speaking is saying.

Then one of three things happens:

1) When the speaker stops talking, you realize that where he or she finished speaking is far different than the point you dropped out and your planned words aren't suitable anymore. This is the case when you find yourself sputtering, "Sorry - what was that you said?" This will create anger or frustration in the person speaking. Makes it hard to connect with another person...

2) When the speaker stops talking, you chime in with your prepared words but, because you weren't listening well, your comments don't seem to make sense. You will know this is the case when you find the person you are talking to kind of looking at you sideways through squinted eyes. You've been caught.

3) When the speaker stops talking, you chime in with your prepared words and, through some miracle, your comments work in the conversation. This maybe happens 5% of the time - poor odds indeed.

As much as rehearsing what you are going to say may seem to make sense (preparation is always a good idea, right?), it is a very poor idea. Trust your own spontaneity - you will speak in a more genuine and honest manner when you actually listen to the person speaking with interest. I like to say - listen with your heart.

Sincerely listening to another person is one of the greatest gifts you can give to another person. When was the last time someone genuinely listened to you? Not recently, I'll bet. There is no better way to connect to another person than to listen to them with your whole heart. Try it - with your colleagues, with your family, with your boss... You may be surprised by the results.

Listen with your heart - it makes all the difference.

the communication guru

Listening faux pas #2: Assuming

Here's another very common listening faux pas that I see all the time. People listening to others often make an assumption about what the speaker is about to say based only on the first 3-5 words heard. This can be a big mistake...

We make assumptions for a number of reasons. We may have heard the opening words before and assume that the same thought will follow those words when we hear them again. We may assume that we know what someone is going to say because we know them very well. (This can be a big issue between spouses.) We may also feel that we are expert in the subject being discussed and make assumptions that there is no new information that could be added by others.
Regardless of the reason for the assumption, you can get caught in an embarrassing statement if your assumption is not correct. Do this frequently and you can get a reputation as a poor listener.

And finally, when you cut someone off because you 'know' what he or she is going to say, you only create a problem for yourself. Whether you are correct or incorrect in your assumption, the person speaking won't thank you. If you assume incorrectly, you are likely to hear, "Actually, what I was going to say was..." or if you assume correctly, you are likely to completely shut down the speaker. In either case, you will have essentially devalued the contribution of the person speaking. This is no way to increase connection with others or build relationships.

The other big problem with making an assumption is that it frequently leads to faux pas #3 - interrupting. More about that one next time.

Pause to listen. You may hear something unexpected...

the communication guru

The most basic and powerful way to connect...

"The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words."
Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.

Exactly! Beautifully stated.
the communication guru

Listening faux pas #1: Hijacking

I was talking to a friend recently as I was recovering from a nasty bout of food poisoning. She ran into me and commented that I did not look well. I shared a few details about my (rather horrible) experience with some food court Chinese food and was looking for some sympathy. She's my friend after all.

Instead, what I got was her exclamation, "Oh - I know exactly what you went through!" Then she went on and on (and on and on) for several minutes about her experience several years back. Clearly her own experience was much more important than anything I had to say or even how I was feeling right now. After several exhausting minutes, she wound down and said, "So, do you want to go to lunch?" Yeah, right...

This is the classic conversation hijack, where someone grabs hold of part of what you have said and runs off with it. On one hand, these people are trying to show you that they relate to your experience. On the other hand, they aren't listening very well.

If you hijack a conversation, you have ended the conversation. The interplay between the listener and speaker is damaged. The speaker will become frustrated and may shut down.

The next time you are tempted to hijack a conversation, remember - you already know about your experiences and you already know what you think. Stop and listen, and you just might learn what someone else thinks or has experienced. Trust me - it is almost always more interesting to listen to someone else than to replay your own thoughts.

"Treat everyone you meet as though they are the most important person you'll meet that day." Roger Dawson (author, speaker, negotiation expert)


Shhh...someone else is talking.
the communication guru

I can't believe you said that!

There is a very good reason why we often don't really say what we think.

Now, I'm not talking about purposely withholding information; I'm talking about how challenging it can be to express our true thoughts. You see, our brains process information at a remarkably fast speed. Our brains produce thoughts that are rich, complex and nuanced at speeds far faster than we could ever hope to speak. So, when we do speak, we select words that represent only a fraction of our actual thought.

When you are listening to someone, ask questions to ensure that you hear what is meant and not just the actual words that are said. The words may not even come close to representing the thought that the person is trying to express.

So, the next time you can't believe what someone said, cut that person some slack. Ask some clarifying questions to help you understand what the speaker means rather than taking the words at face value. It can make a huge difference and it will help reduce mis-understandings.

the communication guru